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Assertive Communication

admin — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 02:41:12 +0000

Many people confuse assertive communication with being right. They focus on winning instead of focusing on the result that they really want to achieve. As a result of this people don’t listen to what is being said. The result of this is that they do not understand what the other person is trying to communicate to them. This is precisely where the whole conversation starts to break down.

From a very early at each we are taught that it is wrong to cooperate. What do I mean by that? When you go to school you are taught don’t copy Johnny or Susie’s work. You are taught that sharing resources and ideas is somehow cheating. You are taught that this is bad. I’m not one hundred percent sure what the psychological effect of this mindset is on a young brain but I suspect it is not good. The reason we look over their shoulder of other people is because we want to learn.

I believe that at a deep level this sets up divisions on an emotional and psychological level. We are also taught that you have an inherent rights to not share that which is important to you. This comes from beliefs about scarcity and lack. Scarcity and lack set the ground for conflict and the need for assertiveness comes out of a belief that there is in fact a conflict.

Scarcity, lack and conflict are all just the need for assertive communication is just a belief in our society. We are taught that children must be trained. We are not taught that children must be guided towards being able to make better decisions.

A belief in scarcity and lack lead to resentment and insecurity. People don’t feel good about themselves and they go into fight or flight responses. Both the fight and the flight response are defensive and at the end of the day what are you defending? On many levels you are merely defending your ego. Your position. Your view.

Why do you want to go through all of the rollercoaster emotions involved in using assertive communication? Is there a degree of addiction to being right?

These are radical ideas. My views do not set into those of the establishment. I believe we are taught from an early age how to not cooperate with one another beyond what is absolutely necessary to sustain life. I also believe we are taught, subtly how to be in conflict with one another.

Before you reach for your arsenal of assertive communication skills stop for a moment and consider this.

What is the outcome but I want to get from this conversation, this interaction, this dialogue and how can I do this most easily? How can I not only get this result for myself but also for the other person?

By operating from this win-win mindset not only do we both get what we want. Neither of us has to feel resentment, or plan revenge at the earliest opportunity.

Try out this new mindset. By doing so you’ll be amazed at the results that you are going to get.

Controlling your response when communicating

admin — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 02:16:42 +0000

What do you want when you communicate with somebody ?

The reality is that being perceived as an expert communicator should NOT be your number 1 priority.

Realise that what you are looking for is to have control of the response. Your response…

Your first priority when communicating is to be sure that what you are saying has been understood. Until that happens everything else is completely irrelevant, simply because you are not communicating.

The message is not getting through.

You also have a responsibility to understand what is being said to you. Without both of these components you are still not communicating.

You are talking AT each other.

You are probably thinking well yes this is all very well but doesn’t the other person also have the same responsibilities to understand me. I mean hey, my view is important here too.

The answer is yes…and no

There are two parties to any communication and because you are here and reading this I assume that you want to improve the type of communication you’re having with other people. I assume that you want to improve the quality of your communication which may mean that you get better responses to your questions or deeper levels of truth or emotions.

Either way, whatever you want out of your communication It is your responsibility to ensure that you get the responses that you need.

If you want more truthfulness…

If you want to be respected more …

If you want to have more influence or more friends..

Any other type of response you can think of.

Remember…Only you are in charge of your brain.

And if you don’t think that you’re in charge of it, then who is and who decided you would let them control your thinking ? Think about that…Because if you can consider who is actually in charge of your thinking it means that you really are the one who is in charge of your thoughts.

Right !

That means that you not only have the power to take control of what you think. You also get to decide what you say and how you say it.

Your brain receives a massive amount of information from your ears and eyes and then it decides what that information means. Your mind decides what the messages that you get from the outside world mean and then it tells you about that message. It tells you by encoding that information as a belief. Another aspect that makes up your beliefs are your values.

Values are powerful beliefs that you use to measure yourself against in terms of your results and also your actions. Another word for your values is your conscience. What you believe to be right and good.

So let’s imagine that you have had a message from your boss or your partner. The message says that they are not very happy about something you have done.

That message could be interpreted that you are a victim of circumstance and powerless to change your life for the better… That your boss dominates your life and change is beyond your control…Your partner is the one that makes the decisions for you and so they must be right.

The same information could also be interpreted that while your life is not exactly what you want, at the moment, you have got lots of really big incentives to change it and “By golly you’re not going to let anything or anyone stop you from getting it…”

The thing you can understand here is that YOU are the one who decides what the information you receive means. And you are the one who decides what you will do with that meaning.

Here’s a little test for your beliefs and what they mean to you…

I am assuming that you have a goal that you will get as a result of having better communication skills. Yes ?

Do your current beliefs and the meaning you have attached to them, get you closer to your goals or do they move you further away from them ? And if they are not supporting you in getting your goals is there something else you could believe that would be more useful ?

You have the power to make a choice. You can stick with what has not worked so far…You can keep on doing those things that frustrate you and upset you…

Or you can decide right now that as you realise you are reading this and as you become aware that you are understanding these words… you can change what you believe about anything you want to.

Your whole life is just made up of thoughts. thoughts that come into and flow through your mind. And you get to decide whether you believe them or not and what you want to do about that.

And even when the thoughts say you have no control…You can still ask them this question…

Says who, specifically ?

and just be aware of the answers that come to you.

The trouble with thinking

admin — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 04:52:57 +0000

Thinking can cause problems for you. It does this because your mind has tricked you into believing that what you see is real. Seeing is believing so they say.
Read more… The trouble with thinking

The Power Of Our Thoughts

admin — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 02:07:11 +0000

“All that you accomplish or fail to accomplish with your life is the direct result of your thoughts. You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.”
James Allen (1864 – 1912)

This quote by James Allen is just one of the numerous ways that people have expressed their belief that our thoughts create our lives. And you may have heard or read other quotes, basically saying the same. Even the Buddha had this to say about the power of our thoughts:

“What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: Our life is the creation of our mind. Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts. But once mastered, no one can help you as much.” Buddha (568 – 488 BC)

As an NLP trainer, I presuppose that we are in charge of our thoughts. This means that, as the Buddha above says, we create our life by how we think. It also means that, if we’re in charge of our thoughts, we’re in charge of the results we get.

The problem, though, is: how do we change our thinking, especially if we’re so used to think negative thoughts? If you don’t believe me when I say we’re used to negative thinking, just switch on the TV or glance at the newspapers. Negativity abounds in those media.

One way that helped me to switch from negative to more positive thinking is…

…Gratitude.

Being grateful for what I have now, for example, puts me very firmly in the here and now. And what’s really interesting is, when I’m grateful I feel happy and contented. Right in the moment.

When thinking positively you feel positive and this means you do more positive things. And when you experience more positive results as a consequence, you will have more positive beliefs which will in turn again affect your thinking. And overall, your life will be so much more positive.

Recently, we laid my father-in-law to rest. And it occurred to me that life is too short to be miserable and unhappy. Your life is too precious to be fearful or worrying about things that haven’t happened yet. And we don’t really have time to complain about other people’s shortcomings.

There are various NLP skills to help you change from thinking and feeling negative
Read more… The Power Of Our Thoughts

What Do You Believe?

admin — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 01:52:54 +0000

I love quotes. Well some of them anyway. Because good ones go straight to the point. Such as the quote by Henry Ford:

“Whether you believe you can or you believe you can’t, you’re right”.

Did you know, Henry Ford was trying to raise money for his idea of producing cars on an assembly line, where each little bit was added at a certain place. The bank manager that he initially applied to, told him that the automobile was just a fad, and it would never catch on. He told him there was no point in lending him any money for that kind of frivolity.

So, whether you think you will, or whether you think you won’t, you’re right.

Beliefs structure our reality, they color our perception of what happens. They affect our values and attitudes. And how we experience the world.

Wouldn’t it make sense to adopt useful beliefs and assumptions about the world, and by doing so increase our effectiveness in what we do? Wouldn’t it be better to hold empowering beliefs instead of holding beliefs that don’t provide us with a useful system to get results?

You’ve probably noticed that the way some people think of things, is very often the way things happen. I’ve got friends who expect that things are not going to be successful and they get that belief fulfilled.

NLP, or neurolinguistic programming, has a set of assumptions and beliefs that are very useful in people’s lives. Because NLP is the study of how people succeed, what they do and what they believe in order to excel in their lives.

Now, NLP doesn’t claim these beliefs are necessarily true. But when you act as if they are true you can achieve much more easily what it is you want to achieve. They may not be true but they are definitely useful.

Henry Ford watched the 15 millionth Model T Ford roll off the assembly line in 1927. His ‘universal car’ was the industrial success story of its age. He was an American icon and one of the nation’s richest men.

By having useful beliefs about what is possible and not being deterred by other people’s unhelpful beliefs, he transformed the automobile itself from a luxury to a necessity.

What do YOU believe?

In future posts I’ll go into the different beliefs, or presuppositions, of NLP.
Read more… What Do You Believe?

NLP Skills Demystified

admin — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 01:47:27 +0000

Well, what are NLP skills?

Most books, articles, websites and posts repeat themselve when they’re explaining NLP. And rightly so, because you can explain a concept only in a limited number of variations.

NLP is all about communicating with yourself and with others. It’s also about understanding your own and other people’s behavior. This means that with NLP skills you can explore what goes on in your own and your fellow human being’s mind.

You can investigate how you think, how you give meaning to your experiences, how you create your desires and fears.

With that knowledge and NLP skills, you can then make changes in the way you experience life so that you can get the results you want more easily.

When you learn NLP skills you can break free of habits and destructive patterns you don’t want anymore, and you can develop behaviors that will serve you better.

This all means that you can think more clearly about what you want and how you can get it. Because with NLP skills you can eliminate your limiting beliefs that otherwise would have stopped you deciding, and then achieving, what you want.

You gain a new sense of confidence in yourself and your abilities.

I know, because that’s what happened to me. When I learned NLP skills, life never looked the same again. I now hear the birds when before it was just some noise coming from the trees. And I feel invigorated and energized when I wake up in the morning, ready for a new day.

And the good thing is that NLP is all this and so much more.
Read more… NLP Skills Demystified

NLP Skills: Do You Mind

admin — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 01:44:34 +0000

What’s in your mind? Do you mind?

Because what’s going on in your mind is determining how you experience your life. Are you happy? Or are you sad? Are you enthusiastic and motivated, or are you bored and procrastinating? What do you think about when you consider your successes and failures?

With NLP skills you can control what goes on in your mind. Do you control your mind? Or is it controlling you? With NLP skills you can change how you look at your life, and you can start controlling your mind.

You can change your life in every way – immediately – when you learn NLP skills.
Read more… NLP Skills: Do You Mind

Nlp Tips # 2-The hidden benefits of NOT Getting Your Goals

admin — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 06:43:53 +0000

Welcome to NLP tips and NLP videos,

In my last video I spoke about New Years resolutions and goal setting in general
Now !

Today’s Tip is about hidden benefits..
Now by that I don’t mean the sort of hidden benefits that the central banks are dishing out to each other.
It’s more subtle than that.

Let’s jump right in and take a look

When I’m working with a team or an individual and they are not getting the results or the changes they say they want
I always ask them this question. it’s a little bit unusual…

“What are the benefits of NOT achieving this?”

It could be that

– They didn’t have to do what they say they will do

– They aren’t held accountable

– They get to moan about how terrible things are

– They get to stay in what is comfortable & familiar

-It may be that they get a sympathetic ear from other people about their “struggle”…

These are all ‘hidden benefits’ that they would have to find other ways to get if they achieved their goal.

There are always hidden benefits

In almost any situation, there will be hidden benefits. If these benefits are uncovered, you can find other ways to satisfy them AND achieve your goals more easily.

However, if you are not aware of the hidden benefits of a situation, it can make it more of a struggle to change. So, with regard to a current goal you wish to achieve or change you wish to make…

Ask yourself “What are the benefits of NOT doing this?”
and pay attention to your answers.

You can look for other hidden benefits by asking

“What am I getting from the current situation?”

The answers you give yourself about these questions may seem a bit strange or perhaps even embarrassing, but once you’ve identified them, you can begin to find new ways to still get these hidden benefits AND achieve your goal.

Every benefit addresses a need or want

A benefit is only a benefit if it addresses a need or want, so the next step is to identify the needs or wants that the hidden benefit is supplying.

You can ask “What is the need or want that this benefit is satisfying?”

Anthony Robbins talks about six basic human needs, so if you’re having trouble identifying the need or want, check this list for inspiration. Robbins’ six are paraphrased as follows:

– Love & connection to other people

– Contribution to something bigger such as your family or community. A cause that you are passionate about

– Predictability, familiarity & security

– Unpredictability & surprise

– Growth & learning. Personal development.

– A sense of importance

One of the presuppositions of NLP is that every behaviour has a positive intention.

Now The presuppositions of NLP are not necessarily true, but it is useful to act as if they are true in certain situations.

It can be very freeing to realise that there has been a positive intention behind something you have been perceiving as “failure” or ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’.

Once you know which needs or wants you’ve been satisfying, you can dream up many more even better ways to feel satisfied in the future.

So imagine what it will be like to ask yourself
“How can I still get these benefits while I’m achieving my goal?”
And then ask yourself that question.

The odds are that once you start to contemplate new ways of doing things, you’ll often come up with even more ways of getting those benefits than the ones you currently have.

Sometimes people will say that there is no benefit in the current situation.

NOW, If that happens, check how long things have been the way they are. If it’s more than a few weeks, then the hidden benefits should be familiar.

And…With regard to not getting your goal…

Ask “What are the benefits of NOT achieving this?”
to identify hidden benefits of the current situation.

Ask “What is the need or want that this benefit is satisfying?”

Ask “How can I get this benefit while I’m achieving my goal?”
to identify better ways of satisfying the wants & needs.

Remember to use your imagination – there’s always another way of meeting your wants and needs.
Read more… Nlp Tips # 2-The hidden benefits of NOT Getting Your Goals

NLP is more than just improving your communication skills..

admin — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 22:09:22 +0000

NLP is…?

In a recent survey of NLP practitioners, they were asked to answer the question “What makes NLP great ?”

The instructions said that they could only answer with one word.

Here are some of the answers and a video too that I uploaded to YouTube

According to the survey, NLP is.

Celebration

Insight

NLP is Fascination and exciting

It’s about attitude, connection and well being

Success

Enlightenment and

Empowerment

NLP is awareness, self accountability and faith

For others NLP is the Meta model ( relax you’ll be learning about that tomorrow ) reframing and

Empowerment.

Discovery connection, growth and change were other answers that we got. As was future hope, freedom and rapport.

Yet others responded by saying that for them NLP is positive, illumination, choice and contentment. Understanding and new life choice was one answer. ( Some respondents were so excited that they needed more than one word…Nuff said ! )

Most said that increased awareness and relationships are part of what NLP is..

So there you have it… It has begun or maybe something just ended ?

What would you like NLP to be great for for you ? Let me know with your comments..

And I hope you enjoyed the video because that describes what is great about my experiences of..

Tags NLP is Transforming nlp nlp nlp courses nlp practitioner nlp trainer nlp training

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Does The First Amendment Always Protect Us Media

admin — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 04:44:59 +0000

The First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, as interpreted by the U.S. Supreme Court, provides the strongest guarantee of free speech in the world. Unlike people in many other countries, Americans are free to criticize each other and government officials in language both fair and foul, to engage in racist or other hateful speech, and to use expletives and other bad language in public. In some states, like California, they may even exercise their right to free speech on other people’s private property. Americans are very proud (some foreigners would say inordinately) of their right to free speech; most of them feel that it encourages a strong free press which regularly cleanses corruption out of American government (e.g., Watergate) and thus ensures its unique stability.

By the early years of the republic when the U.S. system of checks and balances was devised, a daring journalistic community had already become established. A bold and scrappy press was an influential force in denouncing the rule of an English King and leading Colonial America into its revolution against the British Empire. With journalistic freedom protected in the 1791 Bill of Rights, the press became an assertive force during the first decades of nationhood. The U.S. media today is frequently known as the Fourth Estate, an appellation that suggests the press shares equal stature with the three branches of government created by the Constitution. But although the press was not established as an institution by the U.S. constitution, today many citizens believe that it constitutes a branch of U.S. government. Numerous debates still rise regarding press’s freedom to act as a watchdog of the American government. Is it protected by law?

Several critical court cases have been landmarks in establishing the rights of the press to pursue information and to publish government documents or derogatory information about public figures. The U.S. Supreme Court has held that the media should have some First Amendment protection from the laws of libel for fear that lawsuits and possible monetary damages might disincline media owners from fully reporting on public matters. In order for a public figure to win a defamation case against a media defendant, the plaintiff must show “actual malice,” which the courts have defined as knowledge that the published statement was false or as “reckless disregard of whether it was false or not”.

In our time, American free speech law has become an issue of international appeal since the Internet rose as another main medium of communication. Probably, this is because many banned groups can take advantage of Internet service providers based in the United States to send their messages around the world, even where such speech is banned. U.S. courts will not enforce foreign judgments contrary to domestic public policy, including the liberal U.S. policy on free speech. As for the U.S. perspective, many Americans dislike attempts by common law jurisdictions to extend their personal jurisdiction to American defendants whose alleged defamatory speech acts occurred over the Internet and were not targeted towards those jurisdictions. If the First Amendment cannot protect them, what else can? Is diplomacy a solution? The fact remains that political and social scientists seem to have set off in unknown waters.

Kadence Buchanan
http://www.articlesbase.com/affiliate-programs-articles/does-the-first-amendment-always-protect-us-media-58303.html

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